The time has come to close out a chapter of my life.
I'm old. Maybe not physically, but I certainly feel the weight of age on my mind.
Below lies the story of my life, the ups and downs, adventures and failures, shame and growth, death and rebirth. I write this now because I feel compelled by a sense of integrity. I am asking people to place their faith in me while I attempt something with an incredibly high rate of failure. I wish for those people to make a choice with full transparency.
Run it from the Top
It seems life was intent on setting me apart from the beginning. I was born in a tiny town called Abilene, TX before moving to South Korea at 6 months old. I grew up watching Star Craft matches in Korean on cable TV before I went to school. The first time I used a computer was at the age of 7 when my dad taught me to play Star Wars: Pod Racer. Growing up in Asia meant that my vacations were to places like Beijing which was a pretty remarkable experience as a kid.
Life decided to get interesting at the age of 13 when I was diagnosed with a rare and chronic auto-immune disease that caused me to hemorrhage 2/3 of my blood out via my lungs. We joke in my family, that this turned out to be a blessing, because 5 days later as I laid in the ICU, my kidneys started to shut down from the same disease. It's quite a formative experience to have to console your parents as a child because they are worried you are dying. Thankfully, when your immune system acts up, you can just destroy it with chemotherapy.
I made C# YouTube tutorials under the handle vadlak12 and I was pretty embarrassed of this as a kid, but looking back it was pretty cool. I wrote bots to play MMOs while I was at school so I could sell the in game currency for cash and was the software lead for my high school robotics team.
Internships at a no-name school are pretty hard to come by, and I worked my ass off to get both, but what's particularly amusing is that right before I was supposed to start at my second internship, my manager quit. By complete accident, I would end up joining the technical pre-sales team and kick off a decade-long career that would give me a life most dream of.
Right after graduating at 20 I left for Europe with no plan, a backpack and traveled most of Western Europe over 7 weeks completely solo. I booked Airbnbs and tickets a few days in advance, explored cities by day and worked US hours by night.
Making Others Happy
I was in a relationship from the age of 18 till I was 28, which for all intents and purposes was a marriage. In the same vein, turns out I was pretty good at this sales thing and after some time it became something I could do in my sleep. One of the most maddening feelings in the world is to be praised while internally knowing that the life you have isn't what you want.
Trading was something I picked up in high school because it presented as an unsolved problem, but what I didn't have the ability to understand at the time was that it was an outlet for extra energy. I had just started my job at HashiCorp, making more money than both of my parents combined, when COVID hit. I went from being in 3 different cities in a week to sitting at home every single day.
Trading (Gambling) became my outlet, and shame rooted so deeply that it quickly spiraled, with a particularly incredible two days where I made $140k in one and then lost $170k the next, while smiling through it at work. At the age of 27, my disease decided it was time to flare back up, this time by causing inflammation in my throat and making it incredibly difficult to breathe and talk.
Shortly thereafter, it was time to acknowledge that the life I built, despite seeming perfect on the outside, was not for me. I had never felt more alone in my entire life.
The Fire Kindles
While moving to SF, I roadtripped from Atlanta over 3 days, literally taking my first interview with Contextual while driving. 3 months later, my dad would be diagnosed with stage 3 lymph node cancer, and despite thinking at the time that I wanted to be an engineer again, it wasn't for me. This kicked off 6 months of escapism and an attempt to again be happy with a normal life.
If someone ever leaves a serious, long-term relationship, just understand that they sincerely need time to find themselves. I thought I was different and tried to jump back into a relationship without first facing myself and understanding my past.
Sprinkle in love, some alcohol, and a few drugs, and we arrive at August 5th of 2024. The last day I have ever traded, healing from a dog bite, I was left to ponder life alone.
Rebirth
At this point, it was pretty clear that everything needed to go. My life was marked by waiting far too long to make tough choices. So I filed for bankruptcy, released myself from all expectations from friends and family, and bought a one-way ticket to Australia. Something was calling me, and after some time in Sydney and Cairns, I ended up roadtripping into the Outback to glamp alone near Thredbo.
During those weeks, I walked the steps down into hell with a can of gasoline and a match until I found my demons. I then proceeded to light all of us on fire with only one promise. Whatever crawled back out would be who I was with no shame and no reservations.
Starting at zero is not an easy task, but not in a way you might expect. What is actually the most challenging is having to revisit the parts of the journey that you conquered long ago. A subtle reminder with every step you take.
Pain is the best teacher and it is certainly the fairest of them all.
An Inferno Steadies into a Crackling Fire
After building some early versions of CoffeeBlack and backpacking around Asia and the Middle East alone, it was time to come back to SF. Turns out it's pretty hard to rent an apartment when you've filed for bankruptcy and don't have a job. I also didn't want to be a burden on my parents or friends, so for the past year I've been living out of a suitcase, hopping between places every two weeks.
As I navigated building a startup, I had the opportunity to join the Founders Inc. Ship It! Program and life decided to throw a curve ball right before it started. My mom ended up with a full blockage of her widow maker and came within days of having a heart attack. A chance to rewrite mistakes of the past and thankfully she is healthy and recovering.
Many, including my parents, question why I didn't just get a job. After all, I have a chronic disease and haven't had medical insurance for a year. It seems in a cruel twist of fate the universe blessed me with an overactive immune system and an overactive mind.
I have genuinely never been happier than the past year despite working myself to the bone, uncertain of what comes next and cultivating an unwavering belief in myself.
That pressure. It slows my mind down.
Turning the Page
So that is who I am. At the age of 30, I feel like I have lived a lifetime.
Despite all of it, I am beyond blessed. I have had the chance to step foot in 20+ countries, 5 continents, surrounded by incredible human beings who have uplifted me and supported me even when I didn't always deserve it.
I have the courage to face my demons, chase my dreams and sit through the pain of change.
So if you're reading this, understand that I am relentless. I was given a life many only dream of, and I chose to walk away in the pursuit of something greater, and I will not stop until I achieve it. I do not want your pity, and if you ever try to shame me, I will simply walk away.
My only ask is for you to judge me on the quality of my ideas and the quantity of my work.
To my friends, family, and the women who have made me a better man.
Thank you.